Scenario One
Parents Fear Children’s Health is at Risk!
On Wednesday XX February 2009, more than 250 community members are expected to attend a meeting to discuss ways on how to improve the quality of food sold in over 20 independently-run school canteens.
Scenario Two
$500,000 Australian Development
Australia’s leading curtain manufacturer, Wide Winds PTY LTD, have developed a new industrial strength curtain material said to be used nationally and internationally.
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1 comment:
Hi Vangel. You have done well with your lead sentences. My main tip would be to always look for additional ways to shorten and sharpen your sentences. For example, in your first sentence, you could easily replace 'on how to' with 'discuss ways to ' (removing 2 words straight away). Also consider injecting a 'where' in your lead - a one word location refence helps the journalist know instantly whether it's relevant to their media outlet's area/readership or not.
Sentence two: it shoudl read 'Wide Winds PTY LTD HAS (not have). But, more broadely with this lead sentence, try to be more creative and interesting. How about bringing in an 'fun' angle like 'Australian curtains for the whitehouse? ' That headline and subsequent angle in your lead would grab much more attention as it's quirky!! the question mark suggests it is a 'possibility' not a definite so you are not being untruthful!
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